Washington

‘Cuomosexual’ State of Mind


Somebody needs to check the water lines going into the New York governor’s mansion in Albany. Those old, lead pipes are apparently leaching Viagra, testosterone and horny goat weed into the drinking supply.

Two of the last three occupants of the mansion have undone themselves with their unchecked libidos.

Just when you thought nobody could be creepier than disgraced former Gov. Eliot Spitzer — aka Client No. 9 — along comes Gov. Andrew Cuomo. At least Mr. Spitzer had the decency to pay a fair wage for some strange.

The only New York governor in 15 years not to wreck himself with a wandering eye was David Paterson — and it should be noted that he was legally blind.

In the Super Creep department, it was pretty impossible to out-creep Client No. 9. 

Famously, Mr. Spitzer was known for refusing to remove his dress socks during his Olympic bedroom trysts — all the while also refusing to sock up other appendages. (Please forgive the graphic nature of all this, but when elected officials wallow in the sewer, we poor scribes are cursed to follow them. As we like to say: Just the facts, ma’am.)

Mr. Cuomo wasn’t even a paying client, yet he has leered, groped and verbally molested his way through 2½ terms as New York’s governor. Though his lecherous dirt-baggery has apparently been on full display for his entire time in Albany, for some reason it has only become public recently.

It seems to have all begun a little over a year ago when Mr. Cuomo was busy killing thousands of elderly New Yorkers by dumping highly infectious COVID-19 patients into nursing homes around the state. The media was so enthralled with Mr. Cuomo and his murderous rampage that they anointed themselves “Cuomosexuals” — swooning at his every press conference.

Well, that’s a problem. 

It is like if your parents decided to name you “Anthony Weiner.” What else are you going to think about for the rest of your life?

If your every waking moment is the punch line of a sex joke, then obviously you have no hope but to become some kind of sex-addicted predator on the Internet. Now, I am not a qualified sexologist or a certified therapist, but I am pretty sure if you start reading about all the “Cuomosexuals” in the media drooling over you every day, you are probably going to become some kind of sex creep.

And you are going to start thinking you are far more desirous than you actually are. The next thing you know, you are pestering the staff, groping your state police security detail, and ogling the lithe Emmy Award statuette somebody gave you for being such an inspiration to all those “Cuomosexuals” out there.

“Isn’t she buxom!” Mr. Cuomo panted to staffers during one meeting — as the pandemic raged outside.

Worst of all is Mr. Cuomo’s defense: I am just an enthusiastic toucher, he claims. I am not any creepier than sniffer-in-chief Joe Biden!

The governor’s legal team unleashed a sleazy stream of lurid photographs showing Mr. Cuomo groping, nuzzling, smooching, sniffing and licking innocent citizens all over the state. Oh, and Al Gore.

In the case of Al Gore, Mr. Cuomo appears to be giving him a full baby zerbert to the side of the face. Mr. Gore seems to be smiling mildly — not the usual zerbert reaction you get from chubby babies — but then again Mr. Gore has pretty high standards when it comes to molesting women. 

Mr. Cuomo’s other defense, believe it or not, is actually worse.

“I am not part of the political club,” claimed the son of former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo. 

“I was not elected by the politicians,” he said. “I was elected by the people.”

In other words, this is all your fault. He is just being a man of the people, groping voters and giving you horny slobs everything that you want — even if you are too dumb to ask for it.

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at the Washington Times.

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